First field guide.

Ok dudes, here is a handy dandy field guide I made up to file away for future reference in case I don't get around to teaching you this myself. Since starting my new job, I have noticed some very odd/disturbing bathroom habits from some of my male co-workers. Habits I never want you guys to pick up. So....

Today's Lesson;

Men's Room Etiquette

1) Never use urinals. I have yet to see one designed that is splatter-proof. Ladies...you may think we have a more convenient set-up...but take a squirt gun and spray it against a wall from 12-18 inches away...see if any water splashes back on you or your shoes. Yeah, gross.

2) If you must use a urinal, always use one that has an empty one beside it preferably one that has a wall on one side. Bad enough to friendly fire against yourself, you don't need someone else's ricochets and they don't want yours.

3) Never use the middle urinal, even if you are the only dude in there. You may feel like the king of the castle but, this almost guarantees someone will come stand beside you, thereby breaking rule #2.

4) If using a stall that has a gap between the door and frame, take a long piece of toilet paper, ball up one end of it and stick it in the top of the door/frame gap leaving the length of fall down along the gap thereby creating a semi-private place to relax and do your business.

5) Never announce what "business" you are doing by letting out loud grunts, squeals, saying, "Phew...that was a doozy!", or anything verbal whatsoever. Everybody knows what everyone else is doing, but it's nice to leave some illusion.

6) If you're using a stall for stand up business, not sit down business, use some toilet paper to lift the lid...failing that use your shoe. Never, never your bare hands.

7) Same applies to flushing. If you are at some old-school place that doesn't have autoflushers...either use some TP or kick that sucker with your foot.

8) When finished...always wash with soap and water. Always. Even if you think you touched nothing. Something may have touched you.

9) Never touch the door handle on your way out. Use the paper you dried your hands with to grab the door handle. If they don't have a trash can placed by the door, throw it down next to the door. They'll get the hint.

10) There is a time and a place for conversation, but the men's room is not it. Be a quiet professional. In. Out. Unseen. Unheard. Unsmelled.