Milestones and heartaches

I really should be asleep. Big day tomorrow. Jake's first day of first grade. Brady's first day of kindergarten. I'm taking the day off to spend at school with them. I'd like to take the rest of my days off and just hang out with them as they go through their routine the rest of their lives. I have missed so much, but also been present for a lot more than some parents get to be.

Tonight I realized just how much Jake is like me. He tried to hide how nervous he is with crappy jokes and a put on smile. Just under the surface, he was a wreck. I finally got him to talk about it right before bed, and it all just came pouring out. He told me he wanted to go to school but just loved us so much and loved being with all of us this summer too much. All this through streaming tears. That is a hard Daddy moment. One part of me wants to say, "Me too buddy...no more school the rest of your life! Let's go fishing!" I wish. The Daddy I have to be just reassured him that all was OK, and I loved him and am so proud of him. I told him it took me 25 years to be grown up enough to tell people how I truly felt. I am proud of him for letting me in and sharing his pain with me finally. That boy is going to be a better man than I can ever hope to be. Heck maybe he already is.

Brady is another story. He is chomping at the bit for kindergarten. He has learned to read so well this summer. All he has been talking about is school. To him, it is a magical place filled with possibilities. Plus he saw how much fun Jake had last year. Anything Jake does, Brady wants to do yesterday. I can't wait to see how he develops as a student this year. He is an incredible learner. Good thing he has an incredible teacher. Some special times are in store for him and he knows it. I just hope I can keep up with that little mad man.

This all comes on the heels of one of the hardest weeks we have had in a while. We lost an old friend, went to his wake, and his funeral. There was no warning, it was just here. Now way to lose some one. He was a great man, and never once when I was in his presence was I not smiling. He loved to put a smile on our faces, even if it cost him physical pain. He was huge man, with a bigger heart. What is more, he and his brother shared the same kind of relationship Jake and Brady share. Seeing his big brother speak of him with alternating joy and sadness was overwhelming. I just cannot imagine his pain, and don't want to. We were lucky enough to get to share our grief and some old stories with several friends who came to the wake and funeral. It truly pays to develop great friendships early in life. Our old buddy gave us one final gift of getting everyone back together again. We smiled, laughed and told each other we loved each other. Just what he would've wanted.

So now, I am the one in tears. So much left to do, left to see. I want my boys to grow happy and healthy and strong. I want to be there to see it. I want to be there for them. I want to celebrate their victories and console them in defeat. God please let me be there and thank you for letting me be here now. Tomorrow is a gift I can't wait to unwrap.